December 1, 2010 A Good day to begin

I was walking yesterday in the woods with the two pugs on what was likely one of the last mild, dry days of the late fall.  The dogs were so excited to be out and free that I could not help but feel their joy.  I was reminded of how lucky I am and our family is to have access to this beautiful piece of Vermont of our own.  Both my husband and I grew up in Vermont with little- the Vermont kids whose families could not afford to ski, and in my husband's case own a car or home.  So we never lose sight of all we have.
Everything that I think of in my life brings me back to the same plaguing questions:  Did all we have and give our children contribute to their eating disorders?  Did they somehow not develop the sense of what is truly important in life to feed one's soul because of something we did?
I write this blog as a way, if there is any, that I can support another who lives this life as a parent with a child who suffers from an eating disorder.  I do not have answers to this bigger- than- life problem, but I have compassion and eleven years of trying to find a way out of this.  I know more about eating disorders than I ever thought possible.  I believe that all of the treatment available can't work without a willing participant desiring to get free of ED. And, often, as in our case, treatment is not always available when the subject is ready.  We have found it exceedingly difficult to get the help we have needed within our state and certainly in our area.  When our older daughter began her life with anorexia  eleven years ago comprehensive treatment was impossible to find as the disorder was still so poorly supported.  What is so hard about anorexia is that the anorexic would really rather stay in that disordered life and after a time our daughter has done a really good job staying on the border line of acceptable under weight and severe under weight.  Her general health now is suffering from the years of abusing herself and I am hoping that this fact will finally give her the reason to get well for real.
The affect she has had on our family is devastating.  Her sister, who terribly resented her for being so disruptive in our family with her illness, has since found herself with a form of bulimia controlling her life for the last five years.  It is common if you have one daughter with an ED, you will likely have another one as well.  The battle for and with this second daughter has all but brought us to our knees. She was our light hearted girl with a constant smile before and is full of self-hate and shame with this disorder.   In bulimia, unlike anorexia, the sufferer is ashamed and wants badly out of the disease, so at least you have a willing participant- at least more of the time than with anorexia.  These disorders sufferers develop such perplexing mind games with layers of false ideas warping their views of themselves and the world. Thank you to our U.S. pop culture for making us all feel inadequate in America.  We are killing our children with unnatural images that they feel they try to imitate and which leave them feeling like failures.  I am hoping that the pendulum will begin again to swing in the direction of celebrating what is healthy and normal, instead of what is "perfect" and has been altered to appear that way.  I hope desperately that our children will be free of these false ideals one day soon and feel free to be who they are meant to be- beautiful as they are.
Today is another day of reflection, but inside the house.  The pugs are happy to sleep listening to the high winds and watching the rain drops.
I invite anyone who needs to vent to do so.  I have have days myself and for many years did not discuss what our family was going through with anyone but my own mom.  It often feels like we live in a prison as much as the sufferer does.  We alter our lives for what we think the need of the ED sufferer is.  We are being robbed of our own healthy and happy lives.  I know how you feel and if you need support, I am here and am probably living it too.  Hugs.

P.S.  What got me to start writing a blog was my daughter Leah starting her own.  I believe it is called Letting Go With Leah (lettinggowithLeah.blogspot.com).  She has changed the name so I hope I got it right.  If I can be on anyone's team to working to succeed in leaving a disordered life, parent or sufferer, count me in!